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Absurdity in the Bible
And Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot.--8:24, 14:14, 14:17, 14:25
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder-Homer Simpson
Genesis
- Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12
- Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11
- God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6
- To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8
- "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14
- "And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23
- God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9
- God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22
- Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
- "Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31
- God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
- God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
- Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7
- God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8
- God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
- In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
- "The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10
- "He made them wander in the wilderness forty years."
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13
- If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies (I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her. 35:11-12
- "If he smite him with an instrument of iron, so that he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:16
- "If he smite him with throwing a stone, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:17
- "Or if he smite him with an hand weapon of wood, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:18
- "But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28
Deuteronomy
- "The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there." More giants in the promised land. 1:28
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
- God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19
- "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
- "The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16
- Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11
- When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22
- "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2
- God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
- God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
- The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 8:4
- God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
- "A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
More giants! 9:2
- Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16
- After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
- God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
- Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
- "Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3
- This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
- Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10
- To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
- Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
- Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1
- God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
- If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8
- Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22
- Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
- "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10
- "Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." 22:11
- Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. 22:12
- You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1
- God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2
- God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
- Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4
- If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
- If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
- "I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14
- Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
- "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23
- "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26
- "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
- "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19
- "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23
- "The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:24
- "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
- "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
- The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
- God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
- "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
- God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
- Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
- Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5
Joshua
- "Her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall."
Since Rahab's house was built on the wall, how did she and her family survive when the wall fell down? (See Joshua 6:20) 2:15
- The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory! 3:8-17
- At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
- "Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15
- "And Joshua fell on his face." 5:14
- God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5
- Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19
- Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
- And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face." 7:6
- "And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10
- "The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11
- In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13
- "The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42
- "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:16
- One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10
- God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12
Judges
- Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7
- "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
- God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30
- An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3
- God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2
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