Proofform - The evil spirit from God part 3

The evil spirit from God part 3

Absurdity in the Bible

And Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot.--8:24, 14:14, 14:17, 14:25

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder-Homer Simpson

Genesis

"Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3
"The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8
"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9
"And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10
"The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered; he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15
"If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ... it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrifcial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will never forgive you for it! 7:18
"And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrficed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19
"But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
"Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing") while eating sacrifieced animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
"Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
"Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood, even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26
"The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30
"And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31
"And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32
"He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33
"For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forver. 7:34
"Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7
"The Urim and Thummim"
The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question. They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8
Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
"Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15
"And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16
"But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17
"Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23
"And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24
"And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25
"And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27
"Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28
"And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29
"And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30
Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21
"And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9
"But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10
"And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19
"And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21
God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24
God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
"And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14
"The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15
God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12
Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
"The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8
"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41
"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43
"She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5
"If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5
"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6
"She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
"if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8
"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40
"And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean." 13:41
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52
"Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4
"And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7
"And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12
"And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13
"And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14
"And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16
"And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering." 14:17
"The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19
"If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22
"And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24
"And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25
"And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD." 14:27
"And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28
"And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30
"Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31
"He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:1-15
"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
"And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12
"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
"And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:20
"And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:21
"Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
"And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." 15:23
"Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
"Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33
"I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
"Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14

Written by :

Fidel Castro

Points: 2410

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